THIS IS ME

Model

2006-09-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday the 16th, I went to an art event.
Several artists showed their works such as music, short movie, paintings and so on...
To be honest, I don't understand "modern art" very much even I guraduated art college.
Well, I would say that some of them were really good and very interesting, but I still didn't understand som other works. Perhaps they were just not my type...

When my one of favorite artists, Daisuke Nagaoka was doing(?) his live performance, he chose my friend as a model and painted her in front of the audience.
I was happy and was even proud of her. Like "look. She is my friend!"
And then... Mr. Nagaoka asked her to choose the next model... yeah guess who she chose.
Right.
It was me. (。￫∀￩。)
Oh, I was sooooo nervous.
of course I was very glad to be chosen, but I felt all eyes were fixed on me...
I was sitting on a chair in the middle of the room, and just didn't know where to look at.
But yes, it was a really good experience. He wrote me his autograph on the picture, and gave it to me.

And one more thing.
My very best friend, Hajimu Too. He made a short film for the show. Well, it was quite interesting... It was a kind of special for me because I knew how he made it, and I was watching him while he was working on it.
Anyway, the best part was, he put my name in the end credits!
I didn't exactly helped his work but he used one of my Origami works and I bought some "Haribo Gummi Candys" for it... (Basically, that's it.)
It's become even more special for me...
No matter if he will become a famous artist or not, this film is going to be a very special tresure forever.

Now I wanna draw something...

Dogs

2006-07-25T00:35:00.000-07:00

I drew a couple of "dogs" for my friend.
Actually for my friend's friend's friend who is looking for some ideas for T-shits.
Well, I really really don't think he or she will like my drawings and use it for the clothes...
Because I don't think that I would want to buy these...
But.
I just had fun while I was drawing, and now I don't care how it goes.
It is always nice to have an opportunity to draw something.

And also I have realized that it is more fun if I draw something for someone who I know, who I really like, or maybe for myself, or just for fun.
Still, I appreciate this great opportunity and I do appreciate what my friend gave me this time to draw.

Thank you, Yuji.
Thank you for giving me this precious time.
Please let me draw something for you and Tami next time...

To be positive, To be more healthy

2006-04-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

Almost every time I start to think about something, something is really small but still bothers me or something that I worry about, I just cannot stop thinking about it.
And often, it is not a positive way.
I ask to myself "Why can't you take things in good ways? Why can't you be happy with you already have? Why do you keep wondering if... if... if...?"
I get tired by myself too much wondering if... if... if... taking things too seriously and negatively.
I get tired to think and worry about something hasn't happen yet, may or may not happen.
Just like snowballs rolling down to a hill.
I do know how happy I am just the way it is.
And I must know that even if something bad happens to me I should be okay.

I read a book today.
To be honest, I really don't read books. Well, I don't think I like to read very much.
But sometimes I get to want to read or feel like I need to. LIke today.
While I was reading, I realised how many small stuff I took too much rather than think about something great, fun, and wonderful.
So after reading that book, I decided not to think TOO much.
Then.
After a couple of hours, I was already thinking about something and getting worried.
So I had to ask myself again, perhaps tell myself,
"Here you go again. Stop. Grrrrrrrrrr...."

Now I'm quite calm and peaceful.
But.
I think I do need more practice to be positive and greatful about things.
I don't want to waste my life time being worried and thinking too much.

Maybe I should carry the book with me all the time and force myself to read it and keep reminding myself that I should look at or think about something happy.
Silly me, just let them go you (me) goofball.

田舎のお家

2006-04-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

My sister lives in a country side, middle of mountains.
It takes about an hour and half from the downtown.
It is a beautiful, beautiful place. Quiet, clean air, smells of green, and no traffic jam.
But maybe it's not fun to live for young people... I'm not a city girl but even I don't think I want to live there. Just to visit sometimes is good.
She used to be a carpenter and now she makes furnitures with her husband and sell them.
Each time I go there, I think of my friends and come to want to bring them to there.
That would be very nice to have a BBQ party at the river side.
Maybe in a couple of weeks, that would be perfect to see chreey blossoms.

This picture is the front yard of her house.

Inside the House

2006-04-05T08:34:00.000-07:00

Inside the House

2006-04-05T08:30:00.000-07:00

Independent

2006-03-27T06:56:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's just time to be independent.
That's it.
I know that eventually, I will be okay.
But right now, I just feel so uneasy.
Maybe I have been helped by too many people and
I got used to it.
But now it is time to be independent.
That's it.

As he said, maybe it will be okay without him.
Maybe it would be better.
I guess I have been spoiled by people.
Maybe I have relied on him too much.
Of course, I knew that he would leave one day.
I must have known that he has his own life.
And I kew it.
But...

I understand that I cannnot stop him
and I must have prepared for this way before.
I must have expected.
I know.
I know that.
But... I just feel helpless without him.

Ah...

I want him to have no regrets in his life.
And I know that he has already helped me a lot.
A lot.
So...
I have nothing to say, but...

I just feel helpless without him...

If I could say...
If only I could say to him...
"No, don't.
Please stay here and please work with me..."

If I really could say that to him...

Well, if I also know that I'll be okay eventually, then,
why should I worry...

Why...

2006-03-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

Lampshade

It took me about 10 days to make this lampshade.
Well, I am satisfied with it and I quite like it. It's not so bad, is it?
I'm always happy and calm when I'm making something or when I'm painting.
Which is very good for me and I think it's necessary for me to do these kind of things sometimes.
(This is actually what my friend said to me yesterday. =) Well, I think so too, so...)
It makes me feel good and makes me feel that I am an artist. Hahaha...
When I was a child, I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher or an artist. A painter for picture books...
I studied Japanese paintings at college, and sometimes people ask me why now I'm doing this job which is teaching English.
But for me, this is the perfect job. Because I love to talk to people, love children and this is the things I always wanted to do, I mean I'm a teacher for kids and, even about art, I have a lot of opportunities to draw and paint in this work.
So I think, I am very lucky to find this job.

Well... what will I make next???

2006-03-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

どうしてこんなに胸がモヤモヤするんだろう。
今さら悩むことなんて何一つないはずなのに。

長いこと、ずいぶん長いこと待ち望んでいた幸せが
思いがけずふと急に飛び込んでくると、何だか現実とは思えない。
”上手くいかない。行きっこない”とずっと思い続けたおかげで
自分で自分に暗示をかけちゃったんだろうか？

私には
失うものなんてない。
怖いものなんかない。
はずなんだけどな。

心を決めたら、思い込んだらわき見もせずに一直線。
私のとりえだったはずなのに。

いつの間にかだんだんいろんなことに臆病になっちゃったみたい。
これまで
失ったものよりも、得たものの方が多いのに。

どっかに落っことしてきたんだろうか。
あの向こう見ずだった私の欠片。

こまったな。
それがないと
前に進めないんだけどな。

2006-02-25T06:41:00.000-08:00

My favorite poem

宮沢賢治 Kenji Miyazawa

雨ニモマケズ　風ニモマケズ
雪ニモ夏ノ暑サニモマケヌ丈夫ナカラダヲモチ
欲ハナク　決シテ瞋ラズ　イツモシズカニワラッテイル
一日ニ玄米四合ト　味噌ト少シノ野菜ヲタベ
アラユルコトヲ　ジブンヲカンジョウニ入レズニ
ヨクミキキシワカリ　ソシテワスレズ
野原ノ松ノ林ノ蔭ノ　小サナ萱ブキノ小屋ニイテ
東ニ病気ノコドモアレバ　行ッテ看病シテヤリ
西ニツカレタ母アレバ　行ッテソノ稲ノ束ヲ負イ
南ニ死ニソウナ人アレバ　行ッテコワガラナクテモイイトイイ
北ニケンカヤソショウガアレバツマラナイカラヤメロトイイ
ヒデリノトキハナミダヲナガシ
サムサノナツハオロオロアルキ
ミンナニデクノボートヨバレ
ホメラレモセズ　クニモサレズ
ソウイウモノニ　ワタシハナリタイ

2006-01-05T18:26:00.000-08:00

I accidentally erased my blog.
Actually, since I broke up with my boyfriend I had been thinking about making a new blog page anyway. Because I kind of knew that he was reading my blog and that made it difficult to write. I just couldn't write anything on that blog any more even I didn't need to worry about it. And so, I was trying to make my 2nd blog page. Then I erased the 1st blog somehow or other.
I'm still worried that if he would find this blog, which is ridiculous I know. And I also know that he doesn't care about me any more, at least, less than I'm worried.
Well, I will write anything that I want anyway.
This is me. Everything comes from inside of me will be "me".
I hope you will stay my friend whatever you find about me in this blog. Oh, yes, this is stupid to say. But as you all know, I am scared to lose someone and that is one of my biggest problems.
Yes, I'm still scared.
Well, I will not think too much.
Here we go...

ブログを誤って削除してしまった。
とは言え、彼氏と別れてから、いずれにしても新しいブログのページを作ろうと考えてはいた。彼が私のブログを読んでいることを知っていて、それが気になって書くのが変に難しくなっちゃったから。彼を意識して書けないなんてばかばかしいとわかっていても、とにかく何にもかけなくなってしまったのだ。そんな訳で新しいブログを作ろうとしていて、どういう訳かもとのページを消してしまった。
新しいページに変えた今でも、もしかしたらそのうち見つけられるんじゃないかと少し不安。（自信過剰）もちろんそれがすっごくバカげてるってことはよくわかっているし、彼は私が思うほど私の事をもう意識してないってことも十分わかってる。
そう。バカげてる。だからやっぱり書きたいことを書くことにする。
これが私。いいこともそうでないことも、私の中から生まれるものは全部"私"なんだ。
みんながこのページで私のどんな醜い部分を見つけても、ずっと友達でいてくれることを切に願う。
はい。そうです。こんなことを言うのは大変オバカです。超オバカ。　
でもみんなも知っているように、 "人に嫌われること"が、私は何よりも怖い。なかなか乗り越えられない私の大きな問題の一つ。
そうなの。まだそんなこと言うてるの。怖いの。
ま、気負いせずに行くことにしよう。
ほな、行こかいな。